Meeting in Person (Parody)

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Note: This is a parody of Steve Pavlina’s recent blog post, Meeting in Person.

Men:

I hate men who are shallow and only care about what kind of car they’re driving or how many women they’ve slept with.

Women:

If you won’t let me grope you, I don’t want to meet you. But i’m not shallow at all, no way.

Sexual Connections:

Here are some things I like to do before sex:

– Letting her catch me giving her lustfully creepy looks.

– Sensually singing my favorite Depeche Mode songs to her while giving her the same creepy looks.

– Slowly letting her sensually slide a finger inside my ear… wait, why are you vomiting?

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Data Has No Power Over You (Parody)

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Note: This is a parody of Steve Pavlina’s recent blog post, Data Has No Power Over You.

I recently posted a a 6-minute infographic video on wealth distribution in the USA. I know it was imbued with a fear-based mentality, but looking beyond the attitude, I find the stats inspiring. After all, my whole shtick is based on people being gullible enough to think that they personally have a chance of becoming a gazillionaire. If they realize that their own chances of becoming hugely rich are pretty slim, they might not be interested in buying my BS anymore.

Instead of viewing the top 1% like a bunch of Ferengis lusting after latinum, and instead of worrying about what wealth percentile you fall into, think instead of how you could deliver 10x, 100x, or 1000x the value you do now. After all, I bet those oil tycoons, hedge fund managers, big bank owners,  and no surprise – charlatans like myself who make money off of telling people how to make money, must deliver a lot of value. On the other hand doctors, firefighters, teachers, and scientists, people who save lives and deliver real, tangible value, tend to range between poverty and upper middle class, but rarely ever become millionaires.

Also realize that the top 1% is a huge group. Planet-wide that’s about 70 million. I know that the majority of the world’s ~6.2 billion people live in poverty, especially in Africa and Asia. But hey, what can you do. And anyway, its still 3 million people if you talk about just americans. I know that means that 310 million americans are poor or middle class.. but just… shhh. My job is to make everything seem optimistic and unicorns and rainbows, so you’ll get in a good mood and may be buy some of the BS products that I’m selling.

So yeah, data, facts, and numbers have no power over you. Those pesky facts. Just ignore them and buy this B.S ‘ultimate your scam-fest’ seminar that I’m trying to sell you, or better yet, buy this overpriced desk that cost $40 to manufacture but we want to sell for ~ $200.

Its a golden opportunity for ebooks

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I know so because a guy whose affiliate program I’m in says so. Here’s my affiliate link to learn how to write ebooks. Kthxbi.

How to write a series about Passive Income – Steve Pavlina Style

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Day 1: Talk about why to earn passive income.

Day 5: Talk about the same thing again.

Day 7: Again

Day 11: Talk a little bit about how to earn passive income

Day 16: Talk about why to earn it again, labelled a different way.

Day 21: Same as above

Day 25: Same as above

Day 27: Write one article about how to earn it and call it a series.

 

 

Steve Pavlina: Opting out of everything except eating, sleeping, and fucking

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This is a parody of Steve Pavlina’s Post: Opting out of Holiday Gift Exchanges 

Today I got a call from my mother reminding me that it was her birthday and it might’ve been nice of me to send her a card. Of course, being the complete self absorbed jerk that I am, I told her that I no longer want to get any gifts from anyone nor am I ever going to send any gifts.

Many people grow up with holiday traditions that center around buying and exchanging gifts with family members. I enjoyed and appreciated this when I was younger, and I have many fond memories about it. Of course, now I’m the mighty Steve Pavlina, soon to be the leader of an interwebs cult. Now it just, uh, doesn’t ‘resonate’ with me to do anything that doesn’t feed my ego.

Of course I don’t have the guts to say it like it is, so I will just use words like ‘resonate’, to put the blame on something else.

So, from now on, whenever I’m too lazy to do something, or when I don’t get my way and I’m being a baby about it, whether its closing the forums or not sending my family any cards, I’m just going to say that it doesn’t ‘resonate’ with me. The universe / my guardian angel / the force has decided that this thing is no longer a ‘vibrational match’ for me. I mean, what’s the alternative, that I’m too lazy? That I have FLAWS?  No, that certainly can’t be it. It must be the resonation thing.

Pretty soon, I’ll not resonate with doing anything except eating, sleeping, and fucking. But that’s just my ‘conscious’ decision about it.